Forgetful
by txalb
Summary: At the end of Enemies Angel thinks some things through.


Title: Forgetful

Author: txalb

Rating: PG

Summary: Angel's POV during Enemies, right before Buffy walks in at the end.

A/N: Yes I am watching the FX reruns. This was written in about an hour (which has never happened before). It was like my muse was kicking me and I couldn't get this idea out of my head. So here it is. I think I got the big broody guy down, I don't know. Let me know what you think.

* * *

Sometimes I forget.

Which is odd. I'm eternal, unchanging. And I possess a body with a demon who refuses to let me forget over a century of death and carnage.

I can remember the faces of each of my victims with a clarity that never fades.

But sometimes, I forget.

240 years is a long time. A soul was not made to live this long. Humans die after a short time. An everlasting memory with only the company of a demon… it would drive anyone insane.

I was pulled back from the brink by a vision sitting on the steps of Hemery High.

She had her whole life ahead of her, but from that moment on it would no longer be filled with light. Darkness would be her guiding light. She would be alone.

She possessed a beast as well although hers could not be separated from her. It did not crave the exquisite agony of its victims. It only craved the hunt.

I saw this and I forgot.

Poetry in motion. A fighter's dance. The words truly mean nothing until the reality of them can be seen in her. It was easy to grow accustomed to the pain that surrounded me for so long. But I had centuries to adapt. The pain was my companion, much like the demon.

I hadn't realized exactly how deep the scars I caused ran. How they were still bleeding on the inside. The Master never caused her this much pain and he /don't think about that/… but I managed to hurt her more. My actions ripped those scars open for all to see, for those who were looking.

When she came to me, asking for my assistance I warned her. I knew that it would be hard for her and I warned her against it. But she knew what she had to do.

Duty before human emotion was what she knew. And if she was able to send her love to hell… well, this held no comparison.

And I forgot.

For a few moments at least. Until I smelt her fear. It roused the demon within me, screaming for her blood.

I forgot that while I'm unchanging, she is not.

I forgot that I am not the only one with a memory and demons that will not allow forgetfulness. I am not the only one with past deeds that haunt me, old enemies.

My old enemy has my face. He is a constant presence in my life, a whisper in my ear. He does not let me forget.

But I do not have to see him. When I look in the mirror he is not there. His face does not haunt me night after night, only his victims.

For her it is different. And her memory is as vivid as mine.

It is amazing to me that she is even able to look into the face of the one who caused her so much pain, and show love.

But she does.

It is an expression her eyes always hold when she looks at me. Trust.

She sees me day after day, a monster who terrorized her at every turn for months, and there is no fear in her eyes when she looks at me. Only compassion and trust and love.

She made it so easy to forget.

Until I smelt her fear.

She bears so much on her tiny shoulders. It is a miracle she doesn't collapse from the weight of her responsibilities alone. All I ever wanted to do was alleviate some of her burdens and instead I have become the cause of her pain.

And yet I am still able to give her joy. It is writ in her smile when she sees me. In every touch. A second chance is something I never thought I deserved. But when I look in her eyes I can see.

Her friends will never trust me again. They cannot forgive the pain I caused, the pain I deserve. But her eyes hold no blame. She is so easily able to separate the man from the demon.

There are no second chances in her eyes, only me.

And I forgot.

Because she really does make it easy.

Others might look at her and call her immature. But I know. I know that she has knowledge beyond her years. Her life experiences have given her that knowledge. There is wisdom in her eyes that have seen too much.

She clawed her way through, clutching, trying to hold onto what she lost. Trying to regain an innocence that she thought she no longer possessed. Because it had been ripped away. By me.

And yet, despite all of this I still forgot.

The hunter is so strong. But that is not who I fell in love with, only a single aspect of an amazing woman. But sometimes she is able to fool even me. Her carefully constructed mask that fools her friends at every turn that I can see straight through. But why was I not able to see through it just this once?

Damage. Old wounds. They opened up under the carefully orchestrated assault on a fellow hunter. But not because of the pain inflicted by her sister. By me and my memory.

And I smelt her fear.

And I remembered.

She is just a girl. 18 years old and she already experienced so much. She is so self-assured, so confident. It fools many but I should have known better.

She had to kill her lover when she was 17. She grew up quickly. Because of me.

It really can't be said that I have the maturity of a 240 year old. You can't call what I have a "life experience." Yes I was older than she was, but when I was alive I wanted nothing more than a good drink and a woman in my bed. And when I regained my soul, crouching in sewers, hiding from humanity, staying in the shadows… it had been my existence. All I knew.

Until her.

But she is still just a girl. She has insecurities and doubts that have been compounded by the fact that she has to face me on a daily basis. The monster that almost destroyed her. And we still don't talk about it.

I like to think I understand her. And maybe I do. I know that she loves me. I know that right now she is battling memories and ghosts of the past. I know she does not blame me. She is angry that she can be so shaken by a memory. I know that once she is able to take a step back and truly look at what happened she will be back. She needs to reseal doors she thought she had locked long ago. She needs this.

And I understand.

But I am weak. I understand her reasons and I know she loves me, and I know she will be back. But I can't help but call out one last time and ask. And then I can be alone. And I'll never forget again.

"Always."

**The End**


End file.
